It’s almost 10 months to the day. In that time I’ve had 3 MRIs, 4 ultrasounds, 3 mammograms, 2 CT scans, 1 bone scan. 89 doctors appointments. Yes, eighty fucking nine. 8 rounds of the most brutal chemo there is. 2 surgeries, 25 rounds of radiation until I was(am) burned raw and miserable. 2 tumors cut out along with 7 lymph nodes. 3 lupron injections (57 more to go!) More tears, anxiety and sleepless nights that you can count. One brutal round of heartbreak, endless prescription pills and copious amounts of money spent on supplements , doctors bills and hair preservation.

It’s been a long ten months but I have to admit, there were some good times dispersed in the memories. I flew to 8 states, two of them twice. I visited two new countries. I went snowboarding. I hiked. I drank wine. I danced on a beach. I laughed my face off. I went to shows and art openings. I told myself I was fine. I did everything you wouldn’t expect a cancer patient to do. I even attempted to learn what downtime is! (still not sold on it!)

However it’s a disservice to avoid the bad.

I struggled to keep up. I worked full time while pretty sure I was just constantly fucking everything at work up with my lack of concentration and constant doctors visits. I was a single parent 50% of the time. Did you know that 5/6 year olds never stop talking? bless them, but they don’t. I was 100% in charge of the bills and housekeeping. I started my daughter in kindergarten moments after diagnosis and watched her graduate just a few days ago. I went to the birthday parties and teacher conferences after working 8 hours with my fake lashes glued to my eyelids hoping nobody was the wiser. Still not sure if I pulled that off? I hid from my real social media as I didn’t want to talk about the elephant in the room – I just wanted to feel “normal” and have “normal” social interactions.

Going from the carefree days of summer ’18 to suddenly being faced with my own mortality wasn’t easy. Labor day weekend will forever be incredibly vivid. I was dating someone I was super crushed on but he was off to Burning Man. By all the unofficial rules it was too early to declare it “official” but maybe officially unofficial? Forever the the owner of a brain that thinks Black Rock City is lacking moral values…I was low-key super anxious. Usually I would just overthink for days but I was still on my mission to be a bigger, better and more trusting person. So instead of overthinking, I threw myself into a productive weekend. I did a massive purge on my apartment. For two days I threw away and donated in force- more than I ever have before. Things were sold on poshmark. Goodwill was given a lot of designer clothes. Closets were emptied. It was cathartic.

I took my daughter on a pirate cruise. We cooked. We went hiking. I look back at the pictures of her blackberry covered face and the river glinting in the sunlight and realize that was my very last moment of feeling untouchable and forever young.

Everything went pear the very next day.

9/4/18 – Uncle Joey was found and I threw on an emotional suite of armor. It got me through. However, when I took it off the helmet and looked around the battlefield, I realized how tough this war ACTUALLY was. How much was sacrificed. Practically everything was gone but I was still standing. Vulnerable and weaponless but alive.

I’m still here. 

Now I just need to come to terms with the fact there could be an army over the hill – lurking in the distance and ready to charge at me with a stage four diagnosis. I need to learn to build my new home in this space, this battlefield. I need to come to terms with the landscape and make it my own instead of worrying about what may lurk around the corner. I’m no longer forever young.

I will still have physical therapy. I will have lupron injections monthly for 5 years and I will start a daily Aromatase inhibitor next week – daily for the next five years. I will continue to be in menopause and suffer all the side effects from the lack of hormones. The mood swings and night sweats. I will finally have this awful tissue expander removed and swapped out for an implant in January.

However, as of now. I am in remission. Officially NED (no evidence of disease). I don’t know if I should laugh or cry but I think I’m just going to do both. Thank you to everyone who got me through this – I love you all more than you know. And I am always here for you.

AND CAN I GET A CHEERS? BYE JOEY. DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YA.

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