Edit to add https://www.scarymommy.com/holiday-mental-load-women/

It’s been 23 days since I went under the knife again for the 3rd time in my fuck-you-don’t-call-it-a-journey journey.

And yes, I’ve been listening to a lot of the boss lately.

As usual surgery floored me. I should have known better than to do it at this time of the year. The one time of the year where everything already floors me. I’m not a fan of the holidays. Crushing stress. A mile long list of things to do. I’ve renamed the girls group chat to “seasonal depression circle jerk”

I have a lot of returns to make. I need to wash my bedding. My car just got another parking ticket. I need to get to the courthouse and remember to pay the two I got for expired tabs last year. The ones I forgot about in my chemo haze. Why can’t I do this online?! If I don’t get to the court, pay the tickets and then go hunt down tabs at the DOL, I’ll get more tickets for parking with expired tabs. Re-cycle. I think I’m due for service. At least an oil change. Remind me to call. I need to get my roof racks on. I’m not tall enough. I’ve had a headache for 3 weeks. That load of laundry has been washed three times because I keep forgetting to switch it over. I’m out of clean socks. I’m not sure how this is possible considering I own like 100 pairs of socks.

I’m so exhausted I sometimes buzz into insane insomnia -wide awake at 4am and doing nothing productive. Sometimes I’m so exhausted I buzz into extreme sleep. Unable to open my eyes, even after 16 hours of sleep. The clothes need to be put away. Nothing feels right. I don’t feel organized. Being unable to find the right pair of tights sent me into a breakdown the other day. I haven’t been to the grocery store in a month. I need to pick up the laundry room. My room. I need to go to sephora, I’m out of everything, scraping the bottom of the foundation bottle and brow gel. Did I remember to pay the electric bill? The Nordstrom bill? Theres a thing I need to do for a lawyer. What was it? Remind me to use my alterations credit before the end of the year. That Amazon return is probably past it’s return date. I keep forgetting to reply to my therapists emails, yes I can probably make it tomorrow, could you just read my mind instead? No, DON’T CALL. Whatever you do, don’t call. I need to return some text messages. When did I last water my plants? I have no clue. I need to buy my plane tickets and finish planning my next trip. Shit, I need to book lodging for the trip coming in up a few months. I haven’t started Christmas shopping. It’s almost here. I’m out of coffee. I’m out of toilet paper. I was supposed to pick up the dry cleaning last week. A coworker passed away. Someone who was once a very close friend, back in a lifetime can I barely remember, also passed away. I spent too long wracking my mind with STAR format answers around company principals for a company that won’t be named. I spent 7 hours talking til I lost my voice. My mailbox is probably full. I need to plan my daughters birthday. I made it to the company party. It all felt like a haze. Watching the changes. Another party tomorrow, guess I should figure out what to wear…

WHY DOES THE GODDAMN GREAT DANE keep getting loose in my apartment? (if you get this reference you’re just as dark as me)

I feel like all parts of me are buzzing with stress. I wonder where Marissa is. Maybe I need to let her out. I hope she’s ok in her cage. Down girl, down.

Mostly I know I need to get back in the gym, like yesterday. Evidently the only thing that holds me together and keeps me organized is my damn endorphins and I’m going to need those back now, ok?

Maybe I’m not type A. I hate surgery ~ recovery so much.