Emerging again. Into a sea of what in the actual fuck just happened? I hate how surgery causes me to lose my memory. It’s all fuzzy recollections. Emerging feeling like I’m drowning via my to-do list. Like I’ll be at the airport lounge in a few hours frantically face fucking tableau reports. (I will be)

That feeling when I finally step back in the real world and see the sun for the first time in so long I don’t remember. The return to real life is damn glorious. I walked to work today with a shit eating grin across my face and the headphones bumping. This urban fuckery. Is that the sun? You weirdos. 😅 My whole neighborhood just a juxtapose of tech employees and junkies. I’m OG to these parts. I just soak it all in from my viewpoint and soundtrack. I don’t need TV. I live in TV.

Surgery was once again shit. There are Vague memories of my mom staying with me for two days. Friends coming to visit. Strange items in my fridge that I evidently required somewhere in the haze. It’s coke in a can and arugula in case you were curious. Doing an afternoon in Ballard with friends that I painfully can’t remember aside from the super cute jumpsuit I guess I bought. Throwing up from the meds. Puking on the wall and being too incoherent to handle it. Waking up at 3 am completely paralyzed in pain. Silently crying about my need to go pee yet not able to move my body out of bed due to searing pain through both sides and my abdomen. My mom somehow synched up enough to wake up and help me at that moment. My new manager emailing that I was to be in San Francisco prior to my start date but not entirely cognizant to comprehend the scheduling. Asking my mom to read my texts to him and verify that they sounded both professional and coherent. I booked my flight. I gave my KTN and mileage number. I remember nothing about this but thankfully my emails read perfectly professional when I look back.

I land back from Mexico and flip right to SF. I’m fucking excited to work for a company with offices in SF, Seattle, Chicago and London. Yes! Send me to work travel in places I love. I’m ready for this.

I just moved so many cogs. cogs I mentally manipulated, worked tirelessly to through every meticulous detail. No matter how ridiculous the schematic appeared- I orchestrated. I’m in awe of myself sometimes. My hard headed survival mode has my back. Always has. I don’t go down or out without a fuck of a fight.

I might be mildly disassociated, but I’m finally back in charge of my life. I’m executing the puppetry properly. We’ll work on vulnerability again later, but for now it feels good to be in control again.

I just had to jump that last damn surgery hoop. Four times in under a year. I’m out. Catch flights BB ♥️