I originally wrote this a few months ago and then decided it was too negative. If there is one thing I hope to change about myself going forward its the second guessing of myself. Yeah, it sounds negative but that what the whole post is about. Sit with it.

I’m seeing it again in quarantine. The “if you just project a good attitude it will be great!” all over social media, but nah. Most of us are scared. Many of us are lonely. Lots of folks don’t have a job. People don’t know where their next meal comes from. Don’t tell them to be positive.

Toxic positivity is a new concept that has recently landed on my radar. I never really had the words to associate with the emotion I felt when someone everyone said “you got this”. Mind you, I’ve been told this by some of my closest friends, some of the most well meaning people. I love you. Please don’t take this personally.

My nails hurt. The same ones that vibrate, silently buried under the the always perfect manicure.

On my end I hear “you got this” and my body silently stiffens. There’s my Tasmanian devil. You know, the one that lives in my spine, he’s all all hyped up and angry. He knows when the upsell is fake.

Of course I’ve “got this” Is there another option? Either “I’ve got this” or I swiftly die. I’m not being brave. I think they’d call this a ‘between a rock and a hard spot’ if you’ve gotta assign a metaphor.

Peace-out-game-over-bye

The word ‘brave’ and I have never been affiliated, however all my life I have been strong. Emotionally strong. Mentally strong. I’m the first one you’d pick for your zombie survival-slash-deserted-island-plane crash game. Not the strongest in the physical ring, but when it comes to strategic execution and emotional rationalization, I’m your girl.

It’s all 20/20 in the rearview. I can’t go back and readdress my reaction to cancer diagnosis or treatment. I was emotionally hardened and full of false positivity. I built up the wall around me like it was Fort Knox. Nobody wanted to hear my whispers of fears around reoccurrence and my shitty stats. Pro-tip, they’re not good. My positivity moat full of alligators should keep most of them away. That damn floating river of good vibes. Snap. Crunch.

Managing other peoples emotions is a skill of mine. It’s essentially my employment. Knowing when and what to say. How to phrase it so it looks pretty. Of course I painted that for you. It’s a habit-slash-skill depending on who you ask. Don’t worry, I got this! Watch me gloss over the dark and paint a picture where you only see the light.

I bet you felt comfortable with my false positivity. “She’s doing great!” – yup, that’s me. Just over here doing great. GOOD VIBES ONLY (in this sales stratosphere)

I wasn’t aware at the time that it should be and IS ok to step back and say “no, fuck this. I’m not ok”

This is all retrospective for me. Things I needed to talk about during treatment. Things I felt I couldn’t discuss, lest you think of me as that dreaded stereotype- the negative cancer patient.

This blog gets hit with all kinds of google searches such as “how do I help my friend during chemo” “red devil” “young breast cancer” “chemo kits” along with a bunch of weird porn searches but hey, tits will do that. (wrong blog bro)

If you’re finding your way here wondering how you can support, how you can help. What you can do. There are many things you can do, but first, lets work together to end this false positivity. This reaction of “you got this!” isn’t allowing the patient to say “I’m so scared that I don’t have this” “I’m so afraid I can’t keep up with parenting and bills and housework” “I’m so scared I’m going to die” “I’m so scared to have my body mutilated” “i need a damn hug, please just hug me until I fall asleep because I haven’t slept in weeks” “I’m sad I can never have another baby” “I’m terrified of the unknown” “I hate feeling like this” “I’m not good at being vulnerable” “I’m so fucking tired” or something simple enough as “please clean my kitchen floor I can’t keep up”

I know you mean well. I know. But let’s just sit back and let people sit in their feelings. Their fears. The things that wake them up sobbing, at 3:12am every night for the better part of a year.

Let’s readjust this concept of forever positivity. Let’s allow those who don’t feel positive to find validation in their emotions. Let’s sit with it. Let’s sit around and punch pillows while angrily screaming “FUCK THIS”

Sit with us. Show anger. If your not adept at showing anger, show indignation. Yeah, this is FUCKING UNFAIR. Cheers. How it’s perfectly reasonable to feel unreasonable. How it’s ok to feel like it’s not ok. How you understand. If you don’t understand, you accept. Allow the emotions. Don’t flush them away with a corporate yoga phrase. Good vibes sometimes. Sometimes it’s shitty awful vibes. Sometimes it’s sadness and fear. Real humans? We feel them all. Not just the good ones. Let’s not play this game.

I just ended my subscription to the prescribed feelings.

Accept all vibes.