It’s early Covid. I was frantically trying to learn my new job, homeschool a first grader and lastly, learning to be alone as I finally faced the mental and emotional impact of cancer survival. I could no longer keep busy with the gym and a social life. I couldn’t date. My reconstruction surgery in March was failing and my implant was moving up to my shoulders and pressing on my lymphatic system, causing painful swelling. Needless to say, I wasn’t doing great but I was still trying at this point. Joining zoom tarot, happy hours, sending tons of Marco polos, etc.

The first clue to a group text message where my best friends complained about me was an innocent remark I didn’t connect until much later. It was mid-April and I was illegally hiking with a good friend. She told me she never felt I wasn’t there for her. She listed a bunch of times I’d demonstrated my friendship and love for her. At the time I was like “well, duh! I mean, you’re one of the closest people in my life” not really connecting 2+2 that I should be wondering why that’s even something she’s tallied.

In late April we had a group zoom. We were supposed to be in Nashville but our trip was obviously cancelled due to Covid. The treatment of black people by police in America was starting to become a conversation topic and our group ended up discussing matters. Here was my crime.

I said “aren’t Asian people in the USA treated the same as whites” – in regard to systemic racism. I grew up in Seattle, an area with a significant Asian population and what I remember from growing up is that the black students were heavily separated from the whites & Asians. Is it a remark id have made outside of a group of close friends? Honestly? Probably. It’s what I knew from my experience. Was it showing ignorance? Absolutely!

Amy is half Filipino. Many of my friends are Asian and it’s been like that my whole life. she corrected me and let me know that Asian Americans experience the same level of racism as black people. I didn’t argue it and simply said I wasn’t aware. This was the start of her twitter posts. These are benign and understandable given the conversation. Not once was I called “the most racist toxic abuser she ever met” – I take no issue with her commentary at this time.

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It was soon after this the quarantine blues ensnared me. I had never been depressed a day in my life but suddenly it was hard to get out of bed. It was hard to text people so I didn’t. Everything was a mountain and I was in physical pain as well. I’d go on walks and write about what I saw in the boarded up city. I’d post art and my thoughts and feelings on Instagram. A creative writing pacifier. However I didn’t respond to DM or watch stories or posts. I became antisocial and introspective, finally processing the cancer trauma along with quarantine trauma. Perhaps this made me a bad friend.

So now you have the background. Where it goes from here is a one sided twitter battle, big accusations and a dramatic demonstration of the importance of communication.