I’d like to start by saying she gave me full permission to share her emails. This will be mentioned in the further conversations.

This is copy and pasted with zero edits aside from names of others.

On Fri, Jul 10, 2020 at 12:29 PM Amelia wrote:

To be honest I’m not sure where to begin, it’s a lot to unpack so I’m going to do my best to communicate what has been occurring for me over the last year or so.

Last June in SF, you said two statements that gave me pause and made me reexamine our relationship.

1 – You told me I “was being cunty in Bali” 

I have to say when the words came out of your mouth, I was shocked. Your reasoning was because I didn’t do the last day activities with you (surfing, Uluwatu). I reminded you in the moment that I was not being “cunty” but that I was not feeling well, I had diarrhea. Which I stand by til this day.

You doubled down, “nope, you’re being cunty”

I do not appreciate being called a cunt. It’s one thing to say things in jest but you were not joking.

I find it curious that in 10 days in Bali, that is what you remember of me. A memorable scenario for me is the night your hair started to fall out. Every other friend left you to go to dinner. Even though I was hungry, I stayed behind and took care of you. ME, not anyone else, I stayed behind as you were clearly having emotions about this transition in your cancer journey. The fact that you cannot remember me being a good friend to you in Bali but rather remember me being a “cunt” shows volumes about your perception of our relationship.  When you tell me I was being cunty and I know for a fact that I wasn’t, I feel like you are gaslighting me to believe whatever story you created. I reject that.

2. You asked me NOT to sleep with x. 

Wow just typing this makes me shake my head in disgust. One, those are words, that after 15 years of close friendship, that you never have to tell me. I’m not sure what delusion you were under to think I would do anything like that to you. That is an insult on the highest level. When you ask me not to sleep with your boyfriend or ex, you show me that you do not trust me. After 15 years of friendship, I believe I deserve better than that.

After San Francisco, I did much thinking and talking about my emotions about what you said. I looked back on our friendship history. We have been through so much together and I have stood by you through so much.

As a friend, I don’t do kind things because I expect anything back. I try to keep expectations to a minimum. But when someone wants to call me one of their bff’s, I guess my minimal expectation is that you just be a good friend back. That means supporting me when I’m sad, down, sick or just want to lament about gaining weight. But I can’t even do that without you wanting to rub in my face that you are now thinner than me. (slow clap for you!)

When I began to examine the last 15 years of our friendship I noticed a pattern. A pattern of me being there for you and never getting it in return.

I recently mentioned how I was ghosted after I had (daughter). But that is just one example of when you were not there for me.

Throughout the last 15 years, I have been there for you, celebrated you, been there for you without judgement. I hosted your engagement, I threw your engagement party at M. I threw you a bridal shower, signed your invitations. I arranged your meal train after the birth of (my daughter). I even took care of (my daughter) when you went back to work because I love you (and daughter)  and wanted and was able to help you. I was there for you when you got divorced and I was there for you when you got cancer. I have been there for you. 

And as much as I understand that cancer has been traumatizing (of course it has) The lack of friendship on your part wasn’t just since cancer began, it has been this way the whole time. When I look back on my life milestones, you are not there. As stated above, not when (daughter) was born. Not for MY health breakdowns. Nobody threw a party for me when I got married. You were not there for me after the death of my brother. I can’t even recall when you’ve ever even taken me out to lunch. In 15 years, I can’t recall you going out of your way to be my friend and be there for me in my time of need. Instead, as you stated, you waited for me to let you know. In my great times of need, you made me responsible for letting you know how YOU should be there for me, instead of just being there for me.

I realized how unbalanced our friendship had been. And as much as I would like to place blame on someone else, I have no one to blame but myself. I allowed the relationship to take this form. It is my nature to give to people and I want to give without expectation. But when you showed me how you felt about me, I realized that this relationship has been me giving and you taking. I made a choice to stop giving, stop putting in all the effort. Did you reach out? Did you ask me what was going on? No. I get you are dealing with bigger things. I respect that. Because I went back to expecting nothing from you, I was starting to feel ok with the way it was transforming. I was able to spend the energy I used to give to you nurturing other relationships and I found that there are people who nurture me back. I realized that our relationship only exists, if I am the one doing the work.

Flash forward to quarantine. I’m not sure if you and N are still on speaking terms but observing how you handled that situation, showed me exactly how you would treat me. I have observed you being abusive to N several times since you guys hooked up. You tell him he is not a good person. You called him  a “red flag” to someone he was dating. Honestly, if anyone ever did that to you, I know for a fact that shit wouldn’t fly. So I found it interesting that you felt so adamant to try to sabotage his relationship, but also not surprised given your history. 

It wasn’t so much what you did, but how you handled that situation. You dragged him in front of mutual friends, trying to get everyone on board with your abuse (again gaslighting). You doubled down and said you would never apologize. You call this man your best friend, but you don’t treat him like one. I realized that if you treated N that way, then of course, you would do the same to me. I see it as a pattern of how you treat your friends.

Then my husband caught covid. The only time I heard from you, you lectured me in a group chat, on how I handled my situation. You never once reached out to me personally to check in on him. 

Over the years I have heard you say a number of mildly racist things. Calling black people “thugs” and Telling people on Rainier to “pull up their pants”. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I looked the other way, even though I knew in the moment those words were laced with racism. The last time we spoke ( in april?) you said two things “I don’t date Indian men” (racist) and “aren’t Asian and white people basically the same?” (also racist). Since that conversation there has been a societal racial reckoning. Have you even stopped to think about the impact of your words and how they may have been perceived by me, an Asian woman, your supposed best friend of 15 years, that you would use such an old tired racist trope? 

I have, obviously, taken into account that you are grieving and that you have been through a massive trauma. It is part of the reason I have waited to write this. That hopefully, as you work through your own trauma, that you would also accept your responsibility in your role in how you have spoken to me. But having trauma does not mean racism and arrogance are accepted or excused. 

One thing I have noticed in the last year, is that my slow fade has had no effect on you. You have been watching (or not) my friendship slip away and you have done nothing to try to salvage it, or even at the very least, inquire as to what might be going on with me. What occurs for me is to be in a friendship with you means it’s always about you and never about anyone else. And as much as I want to blame cancer, this is the way it’s always been. I also believe this is how you want it.  At some point, it seems, you created a story in your head about me, something that makes you think I am a cunt or that I would sleep with your ex. You decided I am THAT person without me ever giving you real reason to believe that. From what I can tell, you don’t want my friendship and you are happy with what it has turned into. 

To be honest, I’m not really sure where to go from here. I didn’t want to write this because once again, it’s me doing the work. I have waited to write this because I’m not sure it can be repaired. It’s one thing to be a sub-par friend but it’s another thing to be a racist. Racism is a deal breaker for me.

What I do know is that you say “you are doing you” and “this is your authentic self” and if those things are true, then I likely won’t be around for it. And in 5 years, when you realize that I’m not around at all, you will know exactly why. It will never be for any other reason except for what is stated above. I am relinquishing the responsibility to repair this. This is not on me. Whether you believe it or not, I have proven over the years that I have been a good friend. I don’t need you to validate that for me because I know it’s true.

Ah. So it’s all coming clear-ish. This email really starts off fine and I was ready to jump in with apologies until we got to the end.

up next? my reply….