My apologies, I haven’t managed to check my real email in far too long.  If I just don’t open my email I don’t need to reply to SCCA because it doesn’t exist right? To the tune of 1500+ emails and I’m glad I caught this before multiple more weeks went by! Now I know what Rian was talking about with a camping trip from the email I just found from 16 days ago.  Whoops.

From a high level, I’ll be honest; San Francisco was pretty much a blur. I was too deep in radiation to be drinking and seriously remember none of that. I frequently throw the word “cunty” around like an adjective. I absolutely do not mean “cunt” when I say it, but I’m always saying things like “salesforce is cunty today” “this weather is extra cunty” “I’m being cunty”, etc to the point I type or say it at least once per day. It’s just R-speak for “in a mood” or “not functioning as optimal” – probably a poor word to use a descriptor but somehow it’s ended up in my lexicon and I know I use it a lot. I of course do not think you’re the “c” word and the time with you and D was really one of the best things about Bali. I truly don’t recall, but I’m willing to guess I felt like you were mad at me and I was super sensitive to everything for a while.

I also have no idea about the R thing aside from texting with him a ton while I was in SF and him talking about adding you in, not the first time he brought it up. I can’t see myself saying that from an actual seriously worried standpoint but I know he managed to twist me up and find ways to poke at insecurities or put me down. He kept at it for a long time, during a bad time. Most of 2019 is like a weird fuzzy memory I can’t make heads or tails of.

However, N is a different ballgame all together. I can make heads and tails of 2020. The N history is complicated. I hold a TON of anger with him for constantly saying, “oh you let your crazy out” when I’d show an emotion. Teaching me it was best to suppress myself. I hold anger with him for his half assed conversation with me back in 2017 where he chastised me for daring to try and talk to him about what the fuck was going on. My having the audacity to do it at 3am. I hold anger with him for the trip C and I took to SF in 2018 where he was literally so mean to me in front of everyone the entire weekend that she had to stop and remark multiple times how impressive it was that I managed to be so nice in return and let it roll off. That was back when I was non-confrontational. I hated that he would come to stay with me and pack his schedule so tight with various randoms from dating apps that I basically had to stop and say “cancel one plan so you can grab dinner with me and actually see me while you’re staying at my house”. I resent him calling me a gold digger constantly because I don’t want to date people who make less than me. I was not impressed with his need to shift everything in Portugal to chase pussy. I’m not impressed with being stuck at a super sketchy strip club in Lisbon left to find my own way home or wait because he wouldn’t leave. End of the day, I resent being told emotions are wrong and something to feel bad about.  I resent his explanation that “it’s all R fault and you just hate men” like a blanket statement. Back in 2017 I told N I was taking a friend break. I returned as his friend when the time felt right but he didn’t reach out until I made it clear it was ok and I will grant him the same courtesy. To be honest, the break is much needed. His behavior towards women is not a good fit for my mental health at the moment. But this isn’t about N.

None of the above applies to you, as I do not hold resentment towards you in the least. I consider you one of the dearest people in my life. I have taken everything with a grain of salt in quarantine. I know I personally shut the fuck down. Trying to learn an incredibly complicated job, being stuck alone and beyond lonely af, the complications from my surgery getting worse by the day, homeschooling and battling the depression I’d just started to climb out of was a nasty mix. I peaced out of social media and zoom for a bit because I couldn’t cope. I’m trying not to judge anyone based on how they do or do not handle this unprecedented time. Some don’t leave the house, some go for walks, and some take flights. I don’t know. I’m not here keeping track of everyone and their movements and tallying a score of right and wrong. It’s up to each individual. I know I’ve done what I could to be there for anyone who has indicated they needed it but there have also been many days I couldn’t get out of bed to return a text. I do believe my commentary with J was that you should find a way to still have sex in a quarantine bubble suit – not telling you how to live, but attempting to be funny. I also have zero clue about the weight thing. You’re taller than me and naturally smaller framed than me. I’ve never weighed less than you in my life and don’t consider it a competition so I don’t get that context? If anything I’m judging my muscle loss when my weight goes down.

I can genuinely say I never have ill intentions towards my friends. However, I have the chemo and meds induced memory of an actual fucking squirrel so I may be missing something? If this is about events being planned I’m not sure where the tally is. I know I assisted with your baby shower, your going away and organized every event when you’ve visited Seattle. I know I’ve been there through many of the ups and downs in your life and I’m happy to buy you lunch or tequila shots at any given time and of course I don’t think of you as a bad friend and there is never a need to validate that. 

I think I’ve done a good job at articulating my headspace to the friends I see here in town but since you’re not nearby it might seem like I’m just being distant, especially when shutting down is a new aspect of my personality. However, I’d never want anyone to think I don’t care and that is never my intent. I’m always a phone call or text away.

However, I certainly do not consider myself a racist and honestly take offense to such statements. I know I have some long seated issues from moving here from a small town right in the middle of the Seattle schools gentrification initiative back in the day when this city was heavily black / white segregated.  I was one of 3 white kids in my class and painfully shy / inept at defending myself, I was beat up, had my lunch money stolen almost daily and verbally harassed to the point I hid in the bathroom stall crying through most of 6th grade. Ashland is a little liberal bubble and my parents did not raise me to cast judgments on skin color or even notice it. This was my first experience albeit an odd one and built some deep-seated fears that have only been addressed in the last month.

I am genuine in asking about racism towards Asians in Seattle as our city has a large Asian population and I have always had a ton of Asian friends. I’m aware the Asian population here is larger than in most American cities and growing up here, the white / middle eastern / Asian kids were largely viewed as the same vs. the black kids. I am aware it’s likely different in other cities and from other viewpoints. I just learned of the Asian / black tension for the first time during the riots after wondering why the ID was being targeted so frequently! All together, it’s something I’d like to know more about because I can only speak to my perception of what I have witnessed growing up in this little liberal bubble. Asking a learning question should not be viewed as a negative in my opinion but to each their own.

When it comes to the recent events let it be known I spent over a month in the middle of it all while everyone else fled town and re-posted the same things on social media. Instead I faced my fear of living amongst non-stop sirens and choppers circling over my zoom calls non-stop. Waking up to tear gas coming in my apartment at night, fires being lit on my front stoop and my car getting tagged with ACAB across the whole side. Having to send (daughter) to stay with my mom as Capitol Hill was a war zone after dark, and she was terrified of the flash bombs that would last until 4am night after night as reports of active shooters just kept rolling in and kids kept dying. I went to the protests around the east precinct multiple times and I marched around the hill. I took tear gas to the face and went back. I asked my black friends how I could best support and which leader to listen to, as that space was always very convoluted and a constant power play. I took Harlow down to the CHOP to light a candle and listen to the speeches as I felt it was an important educational moment. I learned many things and worked through some preconceived notions around a specific stylistic appearance and young black men, especially after being assisted as I fell choking and crying from the gas.

As for not dating Indian men, I’m not sure how that is racist?  They tend to be incredibly misogynistic, especially the rich tech guys that dominate the singles scene in Seattle. It’s a power play where the woman is automatically deemed inferior and stupid. It’s the same with religion and politics. I’m not dating a republican or anyone who subscribes to religion.  I’m sure there are great people mixed into the generalization but the dating apps are exhausting and I really don’t have the emotional space to dig through everyone at that level. I went out with a mixed man from Capetown last week. Shrug.

I have been pretty transparent about all of these experiences so I do really not understand where your commentary that I am a racist is coming from? I am probably missing something as it is way past my bedtime. I didn’t want to head to bed without following up.  If you genuinely feel I’m not a good friend, that is one thing and I apologize for any actions that caused you to feel invalidated and am open to any dialog to repair that. However it is another thing all together if you’ve decided I’m racist. In that case, it doesn’t sound like I’m someone you’d want in your life anyway so it’s a moot point.

~R