I certainly dont have a PhD in psychology but to my understanding with what I’ve processed with my therapist; gaslighting would be denial and rephrasing the circumstances to make you question if it was real or not. I don’t question if I said it, but I truly don’t remember saying it nor do I actually feel it’s something I’d ever worry about with sound mind and I apologize for saying it.  There must have been something in my mind at the time that made it a concern but I really can’t tell you why aside from what summarized in my previous email. My EQ was pretty nonsensical and I can’t really tell you more because I don’t know. Memory and cognitive function loss is a heavily verified side effect of chemo with the red devil being the most destructive treatment of them all. I’m simply trying to explain the circumstances that might have lead to such a statement during that time frame. I apologize if that made you feel unsafe. I was pretty unsafe in general and feel bad for anyone entangled in my life during treatment as I know it was messy. However, clinically speaking, that’s far from gaslighting and more in line with attempting context. 

I do, however, find it odd to say “I’d love you meet your black friends”. I have many social circles that have deepened over the last 5 years or so. From colleagues that have become very close, to the moms I’ve met during quarantine working with the school district and food banks to facilitate deliveries to families on the hill with food insecurities, to my online cancer support community. I cast a pretty wide net of friends of all types. Next time you’re in town you’re more than welcome to meet up with my friend X who I see on a regular basis. She happens to be heavily involved in the black feminism community in Seattle and from what I can tell didn’t find it offensive that I asked for direction with supporting the BLM movement and was happy to point me in the right direction. I have friends of all colors and backgrounds and absolutely do not base people off such things. I operate on vibes and good people come in many packages.

Meanwhile, I hope that you are also questioning the actions of everyone you know during this time and not singling me out. Im not trying to be performative and participated in many more protests than one – learning more each time. I have also participated in many erg discussions and listened to many of the black community leaders speak and write and make art while attempting to educate my child on systemic racism in America. I also believe I detailed that on social media along with lessons I learned, but at the same time, I don’t feel an overwhelming need to explain _everything_ I do on social media and am actively trying to eliminate Facebook from my life. Most of the people you know left town and just regurgitated the same 10 same things on social media like that changes anything or wins moral superiority. Im not trying to claim expertise aside from stating i showed up, participated and listened with an open mind. This isn’t a contest and I’m not here judging anyone for how they’ve processed and frankly find it offensive when I feel I’ve made many efforts to learn and correct. I am more than open to dialog around the race conflict especially as it applies to Seattle as I can only attest to my experiences but would love to hear about other viewpoints. I didn’t think it was offensive to ask your opinion as a mixed race woman often mistaken as white, but you may disagree and that’s understandable. Like I said, I’ve only recently learned about many of the conflicts at a local level. I’m certainly not some pure bred white-ish person who thinks one race is superior. I come from a mixed background with a lot of poor white folks shuffled in with people of various ethnic backgrounds. If you don’t know that I believe in humanism above all, you don’t know me.

As for who I date.. I know the world of the single tech employees in Seattle is not something you’re involved in. I am, as are many of my friends. I’m not contractually obligated to date anyone. I work closely all day, everyday with many Indian men on a professional level with nothing but respect. Speaking of my date was not making him a token it’s simply stating I don’t swipe based on skin color. However things I know won’t work, such as cultural and lifestyle differences are a very real thing. That couch potato guy isn’t getting a right swipe either as lifestyle fit is important. This goes hand in hand with financial security. Six figures is pretty low level average here and I want to know a potential partner can match my lifestyle.. not like I’m looking to be a kept woman. I’m far too independent for that and once again, anyone who actually knows me should know that.

I don’t have a pattern of ending friendships or allowing negativity to escalate to this point without conversation. X being the exception but that is nuanced and I have no doubt we’ll work through it when the time is right but that’s going to be further along in therapy for me. At 43 I tend to accept my friends for who they are and try not to make judgements or get upset about things that in the grand scheme are speed bumps. Life is short and people are people, flaws and all. Your commentary on 5 years is amusing as I highly doubt I’ll be around in 5 years and I’m not trying to live that far in the future. I’m just aiming for 2021 at this point and living as transparently as possible. 

You seem to have an axe to grind as this email chain feels very antagonistic despite my attempt to be sincere and understanding without saying “I do me”. Clearly there are some issues you didn’t bring up to me prior to them snowballing for you. I can’t rewind time and I truly never mean to upset you or make you feel i don’t value you. I love you like family but it seems to me you should have brought up any grievances at the time they occurred instead of waiting for me to guess – my mind reading skills are abysmal. However I’m guilty of the same with Nate so I shouldn’t cast stones in glass houses.

You have your narrative and it appears to be something you’re standing by. When you’re open to a conversation without name calling, I’m here. Probably not for 5 years but I’ve likely got a couple more to go.

~r

** side note, I’ve almost made it that 5 years! Funny how it takes a 2-3 years to stop feeling like you’ll get a death sentence any second. Thanks Science!