Let’s start with learning what gaslighting is and is not. I have actually dealt with a gaslighter exactly once. It’s typically part of a cluster B personality disorder. It is a targeted and long played manipulation of your sanity and it is very ugly. Here is a handy infographic.

On Jul 15, 2020, at 8:56 AM, Amy wrote: (spelling in context)

It seems like you have said many abusive things that you conveniently don’t remember. In my experience with abusive people, “I don’t remember” is the gaslighter’s favorite tool. It absolves the abuser from any responsibility for their actions. I cannot imagine saying multiple abusive things to my “dearest friends” then simply forgetting I said all those things. I find that you can’t seem to remember any of these incidents as a huge problem.  Aren’t you the slightest bit concerned that you could say so many horrible things, and yet not remember anything?! I can never imagine saying such things to you or anyone, sober or not.

Let’s keep in mind this conversation she is referencing was brief. At 1am outside a bar in SF. It had happened OVER A YEAR BEFORE. While I was in radiation and drinking at a wedding. I also have found text receipts that I will share later down the line. Who brings up something over a year old and expects someone in the middle of so much brain zaps to remember exactly? I did not deny it nor did I make her think she was crazy for her version of the events. I said I could understand where she came from and offered context. Again, this is not gaslighting, in the least.

In regards to X, you say you don’t remember what you said to me but you remember in great detail WHY you WOULD say such a thing. That does not add up to me. You can blame X all you want but those words came out of your mouth.

As a friend, how can I feel safe with you, when you have made so many abusive statements and not have any accountability around any of them? How do I move past that?

As far as racism is concerned, you say how offended you are to be called a racist then at the same time spew out more racist sentiment. I am literally cringing inside reading your words and seeing how blissfully unaware of how racist you actually are. What occurs for me is that you, as a white woman, are not aware of how deep your unconscious bias towards other races goes. Making general sweeping statements about men of a specific race and choosing not to date an entire population of men because of those broad generalizations is racism at it’s very core. I invite you to further educate yourself on the subject. 

“Racism at its VERY CORE. I didn’t know dating preferences could be considered racism. Desi is not a race. It is a culture. The race is Asian but I am specifically saying I do not align with the culture when it comes to dating choices. I don’t have an interest in dating women – does that make me anti LGBTQA? I don’t want to date a catholic. Or a republican. Or a fat guy. Am I body and religion shaming to the VERY CORE?

It’s laughable and ignorant to call this racism. She could have familiarized herself with how Hinduism is interpreted in India. How white women and women in general are viewed. Perhaps a bit about the good ol caste system? Do I think _every_ Indian man on the apps is like that? No. However it is part of a cultural belief system I don’t align with when it comes to dating choices. Can I be friends with them? Colleagues? sure thing! I just dont want to date them. There are tens of thousands of single men in Seattle and because I tend to “left swipe”. on a culture that doesn’t match my relationship goals, im now RACIST TO THE CORE. She even made a nice post on IG and FB about this one. I hope someone told her she sounded stupid.

Genuinely asking if white people and Asians are the same in 2020 is shocking to me.  You say you have tons of Asian friends, is it because you think we are the same as white people? Would you be my friend if I were from India or of Indian lineage? Would you be my friend if I were black? 

Just because you went to a protest does not mean you are an ally, * it simply means you went to a protest. I have read your words around the protest and never once do you mention the plight of black people, or taking accountability for your own past racism, or your white privilege, but your words talk about quelling your own anxiety around protest. You didn’t protest for black people, you protested for yourself. Your statements, the words you have written, and your need to constantly mention you went to a protest feels preformative at best. I know this because, as a woman of color, I know what true authentic white allyship looks like and I do not see that coming from you.

Just because you dated a man of mixed race does not mean you are anti-racist, and you talking about him, using him as an example, in this conversation feels like tokenization. There are literally memes about that kind of a statement. “I dated a black guy once!” I invite you to share those sentiments with your black friends (I’d love to meet them by the way! Where have they been the last 15 years?)** and see what they say about it. Even better, share your comments about Indian men to a group of Indian people and see if they feel your statements are racist or not. For me a statement like that is the same as a white man saying “I don’t date Filipinos because they are gold diggers’. (also, if you don’t like being called a gold digger, perhaps you should stop saying that you will only date men that make 6 figures.”*** it doesn’t help your story.) 

** Who says stuff like this? Is she being serious? She is. I have always had friends of many backgrounds and races. In fact my social circle in high school had quite a few black people. I never knew I needed to keep track and count them so I could provide her the figures. This person knew me from ONE social scene that was predominantly white people in a city with a very small black population. She moved from Seattle in 2014 and had zero clue who all my current social circles involved, nor what their skin tone was.

*** I’m sorry but six figures is basically poverty in Seattle. I wont date below my tax bracket or lifestyle. Call me whatever name you’d like. I’m not out here telling anyone else who to date, but I know my preferences.

This is time to draw upon that “muted and listening” concept. I say these things to you because of what you have chosen to communicate, the words that come out of your mouth, and the words that you write. I am telling you, as a woman of color, that your words are racist. Maybe it’s possible there is some education you can benefit from in this realm.