I think the word I used was antagonistic referring to childish statements like “oh I’d love to meet your black friends” and calling me an “abusive gaslighter” and mock concern over cancer memory loss and depression. Tallying moments of friendship over the years just seems odd and I can’t explain that one. 

I mean, of course it’s concerning that I had unusual moments, many moments of bursting into sobbing fits at inappropriate times and memory loss but it’s also par for the chemo course. These are some of the biggest side effects and ones most people in my life and my employer were quite understanding of. SF was a solid mix of the start of endocrine therapy, mid way through radiation and at the end of red devil. Each one of these treatments comes with memory loss. I’m shocked I knew my own name but that’s far from gaslighting as I’m the first to admit to cognitive difficulties from treatment. Please actually read up on gaslighting before tossing that term around. 

I am still heavily dealing with memory loss and life structure issues although it’s gotten significantly better as I’ve found techniques to help me organize and remember better. It seems unfair to say I didn’t notice you pulling away because let’s be real.. I’ve massively struggled to keep up with basic day to day life and things like keeping my job and remembering to pay my bills and attempting to get out of bed many days have been the extent of my mental space.

I am aware that learning race relations is my own journey and have answered my own questions via google around growing up in Seattle. I learned much of the relations here are due to ww2, redlining and an Asian population that faded after internment camps and didn’t grow again until after the end of redlining. The concept of model minority and acceptance into the white neighborhoods in Seattle that was not granted to the black population explains a lot of my childhood. It also explains why Harlow’s first grade class was 60/40 white and Asian with the exception of one black girl. 

Redlining and it’s subsequent neighborhood segregation is still happening today. 

Amelia, you have a pattern of suddenly vilifying people in your life* and then refusing to hold constructive conversation or even telling them why you’re mad. Typically you’ll then spread your views on the person wide and far so I guess I’ll sit with bated breath awaiting mutual friends to tell me my memory loss was abusive as you’ll spin it. Part of me has always wondered if it would be my turn for your anger at some point. I respect the fact you told me you felt I was not a good enough friend and of course that was never my intention but I find some of the psychobabble terms and big accusations being tossed at me due to treatment memory lapse quite uncalled for. I also feel you’re devaluing the time I’ve spent learning more about the movement that was based in my backyard as performance and immature statements around my friendships. I’d love to hear more about the protests and marches and speeches you attended and what you learned. Perhaps you learned it’s wrong to hate on anyone with light skin that moves into your neighborhood. Who knows, maybe they just pass as white as many do. Did you learn to stop judging them based on outward appearances? There is something to learn from these movements and I’m not the one sitting over here not listening, asking or sharing while lobbying insults at those who are attempting. I’m not claiming to know it all either. 

This entire conversation has reached a clear disconnect.

*This is entirely true. I’ve lost track of the number of people she decided were her abusers or toxic. All her friends. Her colleagues from every job she ever had since I’ve known her. Her family. Her husbands family. Her own daughter.