I was recently reminded of myself in 2021. THAT version of me. 

In my friend Becky’s cancer book she’ll write about the negative woman she met at the wine bar in 2021 and how she hated her. Maybe she didn’t tell her until 2025 but by that time they were getting matching tattoos in Palm Springs. 

She’ll say how she later came to love her. The real her. The real me. The real me is happy, funny, loyal, outgoing. LOUD.. She sings along at top volume despite being tone deaf and she dances her ass off like nobody is looking. 

However Becky wasn’t wrong. The me she met was none of the above. She was all business. All dark negative business. 

She wasn’t the only person to meet me in this time span who felt the same. “Very negative person” she said- something I’d never before been called up until this time period. However they were all right. All of those new connections during that time suffered in my presence. I was a ball of pessimism and negative energy. Ending survivor mode was one aspect. Quarantine was another. Life on ANTIFA fueled Capitol Hill in 2020-21 was just the sprinkles on the shit cake. I said I wasn’t afraid of death and I meant it. In my eyes, everything around me was already dead or dying. 

Today a friend entering radiation made a Facebook post about the difficulties. Reading it crashed me back to those days. How dark and dysfunctional that time feels. I wish there were more publications about the aftermath. In my forever quest to be an advocate I’ve counseled many people through this. Always proud to see them stand tall when they cross back over into living. Knowing the journey can’t be rushed and the best thing you can do is to sit with them through it all. Just listen. Don’t solve. Let them know eventually it will be a door in the back of the memory bank. Eventually it will fade. The trauma. The fear. You’ll eventually stop thinking about it, trust me. Look at me, I’m doing fine now! However it’s not something that can be hurried along. You must sit with it. You must do the time. 

All in all, active treatment is not just a year. It’s not 2 years or 3 years. It’s often ten years of endocrine therapy. It’s often years of cognitive decline and fatigue. It’s always years of emotional distress. You emerge out of a new door at some point. The door where you stop constantly fearing relapse. The door that screams “cancer, death, pain” at you 24/7 eventually fades to a whisper. The door where you stop being filled with buckshot yet still walking. The door where you stop existing and go back to living. 

I learned an awful lot about compassion, empathy and the human experience  during my time between doors. I’m a firm believer in the fact everyone is suffering a battle we know nothing about. My perception got clearer in so many ways but a particular incident that stands out to me is a friend who can often blurt out rude and off color commentary. It doesn’t go unnoticed. When it comes to brass tacks,  person has never been anything but kind to me, I know she has my back -despite the outbursts. Suddenly I stopped being upset by her words as they registered to me. She means nothing by it. She is actually blissfully unaware of how her words come across – she’s just saying what seems right to her at the time. Maybe it’s factual maybe it’s just perception. Regardless, her intent is not to offend. She is simply on a spectrum where she doesn’t gather social cues and just blurts things most of us would think through. The second I realized this, my relationship with her was strengthened. I stopped taking it personal, because it was never personal. It’s just the way her brain works. My compassion is in understanding not all brains work the same. 

Unsure of my point here aside from saying I see you. I understand. To my fellow new survivors, I wish I could paint you a picture of the future. The hope you’ll find. The strange levels of human enlightenment you’ll experience. How you’ll find yourself clairvoyant, seeing through masks and facades to see the truth of the person behind it. It will save you from toxic people and their behaviors. You’ll see them for who they are bright as day. Youll know to walk away and never look back. You won’t question your decision You’ll see the good in people who are just misunderstood. You’ll see a deep seated right vs wrong vs trauma vs spectrum and how all those behaviors manifest.

It’s a nice door to walk out of. 

I’ll be here waiting to welcome you.