A breast cancer murder plot.
I’ve lived more in the last three years than I ever did in the 40 years prior. I’ve had the rug repeatedly ripped out from under me. All emotional safety nets proved faulty and I’ve been at the bottom of that hole putting myself back together and trying to claw out for longer than feels […]
Read MoreIn late February I sat in Sayulita reading reports on the corona virus. Trying to “relax” -a mindset that is still a foreign concept to me. I was probably cracking a corona and making a joke about how corona virus would be better with a lime. Meanwhile the research focused side of my brain was […]
Read MoreEmerging again. Into a sea of what in the actual fuck just happened? I hate how surgery causes me to lose my memory. It’s all fuzzy recollections. Emerging feeling like I’m drowning via my to-do list. Like I’ll be at the airport lounge in a few hours frantically face fucking tableau reports. (I will be) […]
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Read MoreI make it through very few films. I’m terrible at mentally shutting down long enough to pay attention. I wish I was better about it. Finding space to mentally detach is a goal of mine. Baby steps. However I do love a few select filmmakers and will make exceptions for their art. They’re always the […]
Read MoreI walk outside for fresh air in January. Yet anther hot flash insomnia fit. It’s oddly silent on Capitol Hill. The sounds of the city are dampened by the low hanging fog that’s engulfing the street lights. There’s not a soul around aside from this damn rabbit. It’s inches away from my feet and throwing […]
Read MoreHe wants me to do the DIEP. “You have the perfect stomach for it” – a DIEP involves removing the entire lower stomach and moving the muscles / fat / skin and vascular system to the chest to make a breast. What he means is I have a mom stomach. I have a “great” c-section […]
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Read MoreEdit to add https://www.scarymommy.com/holiday-mental-load-women/ It’s been 23 days since I went under the knife again for the 3rd time in my fuck-you-don’t-call-it-a-journey journey. And yes, I’ve been listening to a lot of the boss lately. As usual surgery floored me. I should have known better than to do it at this time of the year. […]
Read More“You look great!” says my oncologist and pretty much every medical professional I interact with. “Thanks! I’ve been hitting the gym hard” Every one in the room smiles. Exercise is known to reduce risk of re-occurrence. It’s true, I have been hitting the gym hard. What I don’t mention is the fact I didn’t eat […]
Read MoreThe intuitive writing workshop discusses a mantra to begin. The room is filled with English majors. People hoping to publish a novel. Me? I’m just hoping to work through authenticity in my words. He speaks of inner peace, finding it in your spine. Something I would have aligned with in yoga class prior to the […]
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It’s almost 10 months to the day. In that time I’ve had 3 MRIs, 4 ultrasounds, 3 mammograms, 2 CT scans, 1 bone scan. 89 doctors appointments. Yes, eighty fucking nine. 8 rounds of the most brutal chemo there is. 2 surgeries, 25 rounds of radiation until I was(am) burned raw and miserable. 2 tumors […]
Read MoreThe day of my CT and Bone scan I spent about 5 hours at SCCA. It was a hard day. I remember needing multiple warm blankets because I was involuntarily shivering constantly. I was alone in the waiting room between scans because I’m hard headed and didn’t need anyone with me. Younger than everyone else […]
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Read MoreGuys. I made it. I FUCKING made it. I’ve closed chapter one, two and three. The worst of the chapters. I survived diagnosis. 15 biopsy punches. Countless scans. Sleepless nights spent awake in fear of the unknown. I killed the gnarliest chemo routine on the market. I survived a mastectomy. Tissue expander surgery. I made […]
Read MoreHere I am once again…facing decisions that require me to extensively research and self advocate. Pathology is back. They originally told me my only option was a total mastectomy. I fought tooth and nail for nipple sparing. Had I not argued it, nobody would have suggested it. I was still warned left and right like […]
Read MoreI finished chemo and sat in denial of the next chapter for as long as I could. I traveled to Austin for my friends 40th. I did a long weekend in NYC with the guy. A girls retreat to Orcas Island to celebrate another friends 40th. I stayed off my “cancerstagram” aka the account where […]
Read MoreIt’s the one thing everyone has complimented me throughout this process. I’ve always picked myself up by the big girl panties and rolled with the punches – ya gotta do what ya gotta do and well, chemo wasn’t like…an optional part of my adventure. I’m data driven. The data leans towards me moving on, going […]
Read MoreMy lashes and brows held out until December 31st – really taking this whole “New Year New Me” to a new level. Leaving my house is an exercise in patience. Draw in the eyebrows. Glue some strip lashes to my eyelids. Realize I fucked the glue and remove everything to start again. Look closely and […]
Read MoreI need a clone. One person to live my life, do my job, plan my daughters birthday, keep up with a 5 year old and the PTA, stay on top of the holidays, handle all the administrative tasks of running a household as a single mom AND hang out with my friends. The other to […]
Read MoreI’m so frustrated by the number of medical personnel who just want their job to be easier. I’ve got the juicy veins of a woman formally obsessed with the gym. This has allowed me to avoid a port with my oncologists blessing. He warned me the nurses in transfusion wouldn’t be happy about it. He […]
Read MoreThree more visits to the fifth floor of Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. Three more times I need them to find a good vein so I can finish chemo without a port. Three more days spent with ice circulating my head in attempts to save what is left of my hair. Three days out of my […]
Read More“The dissolution of a person” As I’ve been wallowing in my superficial chemo side effects I’ve really noticed how vilified you are if you dare to demonstrate caring about physical appearance in the breast cancer communities. A question like “can I still get manicures?” or “is botox safe?” is met with responses like “this is […]
Read MoreI’ve always assumed I was a type B. I’m relaxed, I let things roll off my back that are not a concern. I avoid confrontation. I’m an optimist and adventure seeker. I have better things to do than care if you like me or not. I can be emotional, I can be idealistic and I […]
Read More“Illness is the night-side of life, a more onerous citizenship. Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick. Although we all prefer to use only the good passport, sooner or later each of us is obliged, at least for a spell, to identify […]
Read MoreIt may or may not come to a surprise to you that I am obsessed with my google calendar. The damn thing is color coded and I’m not sure what I would do with myself if google suddenly lost the data that keeps my life organized. Would I ever see a dentist or my daughter […]
Read MorePeople keep asking me where I got the name “Uncle Joey” for my tumor(s). Fair question. The answer? An alcohol induced conversation with the ever so funny Ryan and Natalie shortly after I found out about Mr. Joey himself. As all good tipsy conversations go, we found ourselves on the topic of the epic 80’s […]
Read MoreOne of the first things I did after the discovery of Uncle Joey was join all of the Facebook groups and breast cancer forums I could get hands on. I needed to devour as much information as I could squeeze into my brain. If you know me, it should come at no surprise that I’d […]
Read MoreI originally decided to start a blog to vent. Sometimes I need the keyboard to be my catharsis… typos and cuss words included. However, it’s not all about me. If you asked me what I learned in September it would only be one thing. I am loved. At the risk of sounding trite, I am […]
Read MoreDear Cancer, did you get the memo that I’m not your girl? I can’t be. I’m healthy. I climb mountains. I run circles around men in the gym. I single parent, work full-time and can out last a 25-year-old on a Friday night. I eat organic for fucks sake! YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG PERSON […]
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Death to Uncle Joey 