“Illness is the night-side of life, a more onerous citizenship. Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick. Although we all prefer to use only the good passport, sooner or later each of us is obliged, at least for a spell, to identify ourselves as citizens of that other place.” – Susan Sontag

I’ve been identifying in the night-side of life (and we’re not talking about the clurb here folks) for longer than I’d like to admit. At first the only thought processing through my mind was “the cancer, the cancer, the cancer” It was insistent and loud.

It consumed me.

However as the month of September progressed and the cancer reality sunk in, I’d find myself enjoying my usual routine and step back to realize I hadn’t thought about the “c” word in “x amount of time” … It was short at first, half an hour here or there… but by the end of September, I’d find myself going hours without thinking about it.

The physical reality had yet to set in but I found myself going back to the things that make my life so wonderful. The chatter of my daughter, laughter with friends, exploring the mountains and the cities, eating extravagantly (Michelin stars, we’re not done yet), dancing the night away with fine wine and even finer people.

However that “WHAT IF I’M STAGE FOUR” fear was always tucked away. What if I’m told I only have 3 more years to do all of these things that I love? WHAT IF? HOW WILL I SEE IT ALL? The fear of the unknown is a doozy and yet ignorance is bliss. I actually told my team I didn’t want a PET scan. “I don’t even want to know” I exclaimed loudly. They chuckled but in the end, it was not an option. It wasn’t up to me (and by that I mean, nobody wants a malpractice lawsuit)

So I ended up with both my CT and Bone Density scans the Friday before I was due to start chemo. It was a 6 hour ordeal that left me emotionally exhausted. When I got THE call on Monday morning that my scans were clear I immediately broke down in tears in my apartment lobby. Those were not tears of sadness, but tears of relief. To being able to breathe.. honestly… deeply… for the the first time in a month. I wanted to hug my uber driver. I wanted to hug strangers in the elevators while screaming “I’M GOING TO LIVE” like some sort of weirdo. I DID hug everyone in my office (asking for retroactive consent here)

I had my first Chemo on 10/09. Dose Dense. Most people take Taxol for twelve weeks. once per week. Me? I’m taking this shit in beastmode. 4 doses, triple strength, every two weeks. Sock it 2 me (“like you want to-I can take it like a pro and you’ll know”)

I can’t lie, the chemo was scary at times. The cold cap is uncomfortable. Yes, I was tired. Yes, I’d find myself sad for no reason in the days following the “infusion” (fancy name for chemo, but lets call a spade a spade here)  and yes, I had some side effects – actually a rare one that felt like I’d assume child birth to feel if I’d have actually given childbirth the real way. I had a C-section and zero labor, but one can imagine, right? It was that “rock you outta bed” type of cramping.

And then it was over. 

I woke up Sunday and felt just like ME. Me without that nagging fear of a stage four diagnosis. Me without any pain. ME like I wanted to go hiking (so I did!) ME like I was ready for a glass of wine (check!) ME like I missed being in the office (I know right?) ME like I really wanted to go slam out a HIIT class and follow it up with some aggressive power yoga. I didn’t do this because of cold capping, but damnit, I WANTED to.

By Monday I’d found an agreeable solution to my hair. It’s not perfect but it doesn’t make me want to scream in the mirror at the frizz either. It will do for now. By Monday my clothes fit again as the 10lbs I gained from chemo (fluids bro, fluids) came right off and I looked “normal” again.

By Tuesday I was social again.

Now I’m ready to head to Charleston for a long weekend of fun, food and architecture.

I’m currently living in the Kingdom of the Well. I like it here. If you live here all the time you should be enjoying every minute of it. Please don’t take your health for granted.

Even though I know that next Tuesday we do this again and I admit myself back to the Kingdom of the Sick, I’m going to enjoy this reign while I can. ❤

…. and have a little Missy because it’s in my head now.