I’ve always assumed I was a type B. I’m relaxed, I let things roll off my back that are not a concern. I avoid confrontation. I’m an optimist and adventure seeker. I have better things to do than care if you like me or not. I can be emotional, I can be idealistic and I can procrastinate with the best of ’em. I’m not competitive, I’d rather everyone just play the game and have fun. I’m incredibly hard to anger. Type B right?!

Then I took a couple of those internet tests as I was writing this and realized questions like “do you talk fast” “is your calendar organized and planned far in advance” “do you walk faster than most people” “do you make action plans in adverse situations or go with the flow?” “do you relax in the evening or catch up on chores?”  YES. MANY YES. ALL YES. CHECK CHECK.

……um

I might be type A?

I like to think that when shit hits the fan, I’m the one you want around. I keep my cool and make action plans. I’ve pretty much taken on breast cancer with this mindset. It’s a chore and ain’t nobody got time to be emotional about it. Did I mention I also love a good to do list?

Cancer To Do:

1. 4 rounds of Taxol chemo (3/4 done!!)
2. 4 rounds of A/C chemo
3. Single Mastectomy and lymph dissection – schedule non squeamish family to help (OK, I’m NOT good under pressure at anything involving blood – hard pass!) *(for you google docs: I’m electing for a single mastectomy as my genetics indicated I have nothing abnormal, such as BRCA. There are no precancerous cells in lefty (uncle Jesse, heyya).
4. 7 weeks of radiation daily M-F while rocking some hideous prosthetic I’m sure I’ll sacrificially burn the moment I can.
5. Reconstruction. I need to meet with my plastic and find out if I’m a candidate for a DIEP or if a silicone/ saline implant is better. Not losing muscle takes priority for me, but I’d like a nicely matched foob* (*breast cancer forum speak for fake boob)
6. Nipple reconstruction.
7. Crap tons of hormone suppressing meds for 5 years.

SIGH. I’m BUSY. This SUCKS. THIS IS A YEAR OF TORTURE. I’m just going to look at it like it’s 7 chapters. I’ll open each one as they come and get through it step by step.

My last Taxol chemo is TOMORROW and I can close chapter 1. I’ve been busy with travel and I haven’t had time for side effects. I tend to brush them aside as a minor inconvenience. Nausea? uggh, how annoying. Pins and needles (neuropathy) in my mouth, toes and feet? meh, the same thing happens when I wear heels for too long or go gloveless in the cold. Whateverrrr. Fatigue? meh, I can’t go to my Saturday morning yoga class, so I guess I’ll just sleep a little longer. Power through and move on. 

Since I never let myself vent out loud, I’m just going to briefly touch on the downside. The worst side effect has been on my vanity. I HATE how the presidone makes me retain 10lbs of water in the form of a spare tire for a week. I have a hard time remembering it’s fluids and not fat. I hate losing my hair, how every morning I gently brush it out and ball up the discarded clumps in the garbage. I hate the texture of my chemo hair- thin and DRY. I hate having a sallow skin tone and dry skin no matter how much shea butter I lather on. I loathe the fact that I feel like I’m losing the muscle tone I’ve worked my ass off for. Mirror mirror on the wall…Who’s the chemoest of them all?

I feel lucky that I’m almost done with the Taxol and my nails are great. Thank you Reynauds disease for this small blessing. I feel lucky that I haven’t needed to miss work or spend hours vomiting, that I’ve been able to travel without issues. I’m happy I still have hair. I’m happy I’ve been able to keep active in the form of walking everywhere, even to my chemo appointments.

Looking forward to closing the door on Chapter 1 tomorrow. ..Bye Felicia!