I’ve lived more in the last three years than I ever did in the 40 years prior. I’ve had the rug repeatedly ripped out from under me. All emotional safety nets proved faulty and I’ve been at the bottom of that hole putting myself back together and trying to claw out for longer than feels fair.

The Trump election. Divorce immediately followed by cancer. A year and a half of chemo and countless surgeries. Learning to trust less. Learning to trust more. Learning to rebuild. Moving past constantly being put down by someone who once meant a lot. Regaining confidence. Learning to come to peace with the newly battered body. Learning the steps I needed to take to regain my happiness.

I put it in motion at the end of 2019. Resolution sounds trite. It wasn’t even resolution, it was a commitment towards regaining control.

I stepped back to draw out a happiness road map. My type A side rearing back up. The fucking to-do lists. They were mentally being composed and executed most of my waking hours from December-March. Line item by line item. Focused and compartmentalized. Running on the treadmill, mentally dictating lists.

Super human. Keep the ADHD in check. It was necessary. It required a ton of focus and ultimately, it worked.

And everything would have been perfect if it weren’t for you meddling covids

Oh hello. Hell no.

Just when I was on track.

But fuck it – I’m suddenly so comfortably numb.

I’m no longer afraid of dying. I’m no longer afraid of everything I know being ripped out from under me. It is..what it is. My urge to control everything just dissipated.

I can’t fucking control everything.

I relinquish control.

I’ve done this. I’ve watched my whole world crumble to pieces, bit by bit.

Now I just sit back and watch as the rest of the world crumbles to pieces.

Life sure isn’t fair, now is it?

Maybe this will help some people. Maybe there are people in this world that need a lesson of about mortality and kindness. Fuck it, most people do. You don’t appreciate life til you almost have it taken from you. You don’t really live until you are forced to. Until you watch it all burn and put life back together from the ashes.

This is cancer for the planet. This is your chemo. Your fear. Your survival mode. Your loneliness. Your isolation. Your insomnia. Your anxiety. Your nausea. Your low white cell count. Your religion. Your financial ruin. Your politics. Your hopes being crushed. The dread that wakes you up nightly. The tears. The frantic google searches. Your fucking toilet paper supply. This is where your little world falls apart.

This ain’t my first rodeo.

I have the skills to navigate through trauma now. I’ll be over here with a bottle of wine and a half-cocked smile. Watching it all burn down.

There’s good and evil in each individual fire.

Godspeed and may this teach everyone to live and love with a lot more compassion.

xo – the cancer patient.