I don’t mean to cause alarm in any of my postings. I’m ok. Just as I always am. It’s like the amazon reviews right? Only dissatisfied customers bother to type out their grievances. If you’re happy with the purchase you carry on. Keep calm and order on prime.

Those of us involved in a creative habit know it’s only authentic when life is rough enough to make us feel creative. For me, it has always been, and always will be, words. I only write well when my soul is slightly tormented. My grammar is always questionable. You just didn’t follow my MySpace blogs back in 2002 or the piles of notepads in my closet. It’s nothing new.

I’m ok. Truly. it’s no joke that these AI meds are hard. I hate living in the body of a 70 year old. I’m always worried about Mets. 70% of people with my diagnosis who go stage four start in the bones. Yet the meds I take to prevent its return come with side effects that mimic bone Mets. I have enough time to think about it now more than ever.

Head fuck, yeah?

I wish it was a five year thing but I know my cancer is scored at the literal max. My body is a hormonal imbalance disaster zone. I wish I could quit the fucking pills but I’m also scientifically intelligent to know what happens the day I do. Joey is seeded throughout my body and the moment I turn my head or miss a pill I’m done.

I get why people quit this shit. I should not be 43 and so physically broken. I went on a quarantine solo mountain crush a few weeks ago and slipped in some snow. I went down hard. I had to use my covid bandanna as a bandage. Multi purpose! Soaked in blood but still damned and determined to find my snowy gps route. My knee and tendons swelling up in anger and pain.

I’m now smart enough to know I shouldn’t be 2k elevation in snow beyond the last party i saw. My body is old despite how young my mind feels. I have to be careful..

I’m in such a state of flux. I refused to sign a lease. I’m not sure how to proceed and the ambiguity makes me crazy. I know I can not be quarantined here all winter. I can’t work from kitchen (wfk) again next winter. Red rum.

I’m embracing the positive changes the best I can… More time with my daughter. The parks and beaches. Go-cups and great take out on every block. A solid and inspiring sense of community and solidarity in my zip code. The art. Holy shit, the art. I swear it’s the only thing that made me smile more often than not.. This city… rising out of the ashes to make beauty. No other city looks like this right now. The art and the love is stupid inspiring. I fucking love this city and the folks resilient enough to know how amazing it is. There are positives.

Yes. It’s hard to be isolated and alone. I have terrible zoom and social media fatigue. Lack of route has always been a downfall for my mental and physical health. It’s hard to say goodbye to my steadfast cure of planning travel.

I don’t know what October holds. The next few months hold a shit ton of backpacking but after that? Who knows? Do I do Mexico? Joshua tree? Do I get rid of my apartment and downsize? The rents are cheaper and cheaper every time I look. Not mine. My building is all tech. We’re all wfh here in this tiny space, paying our rent. I have so many airline miles now. I have over a grand in cancelled plane ticket credits. Where can Alaska take me? What has a cheap cost of living and has solid WiFi? Can I work my custody schedule to match my daughters remote school schedule to make something work? Where do I go from here in this new and unwanted remote life? Am I strong enough to do it alone?

Yes. I know I’m lucky to have a job. One that pays well. I know. But I wish I knew what’s next.

I’m so desperate to travel that I’m checking regulations weekly. Nobody wants Americans thanks to our shit for brains president. Where do my credits and miles go? Alaska says Costa Rica, but not for a while. July at the earliest. Not like I’d abandon the Seattle summer anyway, but I suppose it warm and I can hike. Iceland is also an option as they are the only place allowing tourists without quarantine. Trust me, I’ve researched. There’s not much behind that.

The future is entirely uncertain and again… ambiguous endings are highly uncomfortable to me.

I guess we’ll see what happens.

What’s next 2020?

/head dump